New Year. New Focus

Redirecting Your Focus

For so long my focus has been food, exercise, weight, and restriction; it hasn’t always been that way. At one point, my focus was my relationship with Scott, my studies, and—more importantly—my guitar playing and my writing. My concentration and energy is now almost completely consumed in eating disorder related behaviors, and because of it, my self-value and personal identity have become enmeshed with my eating disorder instead of the things that made me me. Not only have my passions and interests wilted, my contact with the people I care about has diminished. I don’t visit and maintain contact with my friends like I used to and I haven’t really fostered any new relationships since my eating disorder became my focus. Last year—2013—I gave away to my eating disorder. As for 2014, I intend to reclaim my passion and re-direct it to the following areas: My relationships and my writing.

As we age, making and maintaining relationships becomes considerably more difficult. It is not the same as when you were in school. People have responsibilities, families, jobs, and their own interests that demand much of their time. Just the attempt to coordinate schedules to visit with someone can be tricky in and of itself and usually the time-slots are limited and sparse. The good news is that, despite face-to-face interaction not being as frequent as desired, we have multiple methods of keeping contact such as email, skype, text, phone, and social networks. However, these methods of contact do require a bit of time as well as a conscious effort to remain consistent and to sustain relationships. So do you see how when your focus and energy is almost completely stolen to something else, that things such as the maintenance and preservation of relationships can be neglected? It’s been an unsettling experience accepting the reality of how much I’ve neglected my relationships. Though I intend to utilize this realization as a motivator to change my situation for the better.

I remember when it would be completely normal for me to write a poem I was really proud of—and perhaps more than one—each week. It almost was a part of my nightly routine. If I wasn’t trying to compose a poem or a song, I journaled—which often led to inspiration for more poems. But just like any activity, my writing took concentration, focus and cognitive energy. Now, when I was healthy, I did not have the problems with focus and concentration today that I have been working through now. Restriction of food leads to an increase in obsessive thoughts revolving around food, a decrease in energy, and a dulling of concentration. So is it really any surprise that I have not been writing nearly as much or as often as I used to? I don’t think so.

Now that I have decided how I want to redirect my focus, I feel it would now be wise to develop an action plan in order to for me to be successful. And that action plan is what I have been working on this past week. Goals are only as great as the systems that we follow in order to reach them.

What has you’re eating disorder or addiction stolen your focus away from? What would you rather be pursuing if you weren’t stuck in the demands of whatever you struggle with every minute of every day? What might you want to refocus on? Where might you like to place your energy in? If you are not sure, give it some thought. Self-explore a little bit, what do you love to do? What do you want to improve upon? What skill or hobby might you want to take up? Think about it. I believe that if we can find who we are—or who we used to be in some cases—without our eating disorder that overcoming the maladaptive behaviors and staying in recovery may be a little bit less difficult. Every one of us was meant to accomplish so much more than solely “being a great anorexic/bulimic/orthrexic/etc.”. It’s time to venture out and explore what those accomplishments might be and begin to make are amazing mark in this world. It’s time to start living.

“Take up one idea. Make that one idea your life – think of it, dream of it, live on that idea. Let the brain, muscles, nerves, every part of your body, be full of that idea, and just leave every other idea alone. This is the way to success that is way great spiritual giants are produced.” -Swami Vivekananda

Recovery Is Not: A poem

I return back to this poem often and felt the urge to share it. Enjoy. 

 

Recovery is not 

 

It’s not about food

It’s about feelings

 

It’s not about circumstances,

It’s about acceptance.

 

It’s not about improvement,

It’s about growth.

 

It’s not about control,

It’s about surrender.

 

It’s not about fear,

It’s about trust.

 

It’s not about strategy

It’s about willingness.

 

It’s not about rules,

It’s about freedom.

 

It’s not about judgment

It’s about love

 

It’s not about food

It’s about life. 

Changing Positive to Negative: Thoughts and Affirmations (cont.)

Expanding from my last post, I want to discuss the benefit of working through replacing your negative thoughts and beliefs with positive ones. Positive thoughts are more commonly referred to as affirmations and all affirmations are, are phrases that are healing self-scripts that counter negative self-scripts (as explained in my last post).

It wasn’t until I actually wrote down all of my thoughts and beliefs that I have of myself to realize just how horribly I think and speak to myself. None of them were positive. That glaring fact in and of itself was an encourager to ask the question: “So how can I fix this?” The ‘fixing’ process I like to liken to sifting through your wardrobe, ridding of the clothes that don’t fit, make you feel good, or just plain need-to-go and replacing those clothing items with new ones that will better suit you in the long run. Also, just like there are different types of clothes, I’d like to think that there are different types of Affirmations that serve different purposes. There are statements of who you are (I am), statements of your potential (I can) and statements of the positive changes you wish to see in your life (I will).

I am: statements of who you are.

This type of affirmation is a positive affirmation of a real state of being that exists in you. You can achieve a full list of I am statements be taking a full inventory of your attributes, strengths, competencies, and talents.

But what if you’re like me and only can think of mostly negative ones? I mean, the whole point is to try to create a positive list to help you formulate a better image of yourself, not one that makes you feel worse. What ended up helping me to find some positive attributions about myself was to imagine what my best friend and husband would say about me to someone who asked them about what I was like. Things started to flow a little better from there. I am statements could look similar to the following examples:

• I am capable
• I am a great friend
• I am a talented ____
• I am trustworthy
• I am loyal
• I am beautiful
• I am strong
• I am intelligent
• I am funny
• I am resilient

I can: A statement of your potential

This is a statement of your ability to accomplish goals. It is a statement of your belief in your power to grow, to change, and to help yourself. I can statements can be developed to help you set short term goals (3-6 months) that you wish to accomplish within yourself and in your life. Examples include:

• I can learn to handle my emotions
• I can succeed
• I can gain self-confidence
• I can improve
• I can heal
• I can let go
• I can be positive
• I can let go of guilt
• I can let go of fear
• I can reach out to my support team
• I can follow a meal plan

I will: Statements of positive change in your life

These affirmations pertain to changes you wish to—and plan to—achieve. It is a positive statement of what you want to have happen no matter how impossible it may seem initially. Some I will examples might resemble the following:

• I will like myself better each day
• I will be completely honest, no matter what
• I will learn to forgive myself
• I will recover
• I will take a risk to grow today
• I will feel less guilt each day
• I will feel good things about me today
• I will smile more today
• I will grow emotionally stronger each day
• I will take care of me today
• I will learn to accept and respect my body
• I will learn to live without my eating disorder

So start building a list. It may start out small but as good things come, write them down. Become aware of the negative thoughts/beliefs that arise and be diligent with replacing them with better ones. Can’t think of a replacement? Then return to your list until you find one. If we can ingrain bad thoughts, we can also ingrain good ones. As the common quote by Gautama Buddha states:

We are what we think. All that we are arises in our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world.

Journal Your Thoughts

The two important things I did learn were that you are as strong as you allow yourself to be, and that the most difficult part of any endeavor is taking the first step…making the first decision. ~Robyn Davidson

So today, for part of our homework for tomorrow’s IOP meeting, we needed to journal our thoughts on the above quote given to us by the directing therapist. I thought I would share my thoughts concerning the quote.

“You are as strong as you allow yourself to be” This section of the quote struck a particular chord with me. I think people accidentally create an easy out for themselves when they say or feel “I don’t think I am strong enough” when it comes to anything—it doesn’t just have to pertain to recovery. Fixate on this thought enough and you run the risk of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy that prevents you from achieving what you originally set out to obtain. I feel the only thing you can do here is to replace the thought with its opposite (i.e. I have the strength inside of me to do ‘this’) and focus on the replacement thought regardless of whether or not you believe it.

The second part of the quote I have mixed feelings about. While I do agree that the decision to take that first step is an incredible feat by itself, I feel the commitment to—and the choice to choose that step—over and over throughout the course of day or week is the most difficult part. It’s one thing to choose recovery for a meal, a day, or a week, but another thing to choose it every time no matter what.

What does this quote spur inside of you? Do you agree with what the author says or believe otherwise? Are there additional things you find to be just as—or more—difficult? Ponder it…maybe it might help breed more insight into what might be holding you back.

Emotions

I have to say. My therapist provided me with an experience this week at my session. I began to notice, over the course of the several sessions, that she loved to repeatedly ask me “What are you feeling right now” or something along the lines of “I’m wondering what emotions you are experiencing internally”. Frankly, this last session, I became slightly annoyed by her asking the question multiple times so I said “You really like emotions don’t you?” and she replied with “and you don’t, I never hear you express or label any emotions when you speak.”

Her response resonated with me. She was right, all of what I was recounting did not entail any “I was feeling X” or “I’m feeling very X.”

The thing is, I used to feel. I remember experiencing so many emotions that I would go nuts if I couldn’t write them down, place them into verse, or sing through them while playing my guitar. Her response made me aware of just how much Ed really had numbed my emotional senses. I mean, I did have an idea that my restrictive behaviors inhibited my ability to experience emotions but until yesterday, the extent to which I have been ‘emotionally-paralyzed’ so to speak really sank in.

I now wonder if that one of the reasons why I have not picked up my guitar—or my pen to write poetry—is that I haven’t been encountering the emotions that would lead me to write or play. Ed really takes away your ability to feel emotions.

Now some people may say, “Well that’s good! You must never feel any of the unpleasant emotions (i.e. uneasy, regretful, anxious, fearful, angry, frustrated or let down)” while there may be truth to that, Ed also takes away the great emotions that make life worth living. Emotions such as joy, content, enthusiasm, excitement, curiosity, love and so many others cease to be experienced when Ed really has a handle on someone. Ed also has a habit of taking away laughter.

I am beginning to learn a little bit more each day on how my eating disorder has taken away my ability to feel and how—in order to break away from the eating disorder—I will need to work through the unpleasant emotions smothered over the course of my life. I can no longer use eating disorder behaviors to extinguish feelings of uncertainty, inadequacy, fear, anger and sadness. I don’t want to. And let me credit my not wanting to, a step toward progress. Do I want to revisit the traumas laced with overwhelming emotions? No, not really. But do I want to be able to feel all the wonderful, ‘warm and fuzzy’ feelings again? Yes, very much so.

I’ve got an emotional roller-coaster of a ride ahead of me, but I’m willing to ride it the whole way through if it gets to a better quality of life.

Instead of starving or binging your emotions, try to label and bring awareness to what you are feeling and let yourself feel it. Feelings are always temporary. They come, go, and are replaced by incoming ones. Below is a list—which I have really taken a liking to—that I hope might help with pin-pointing exactly what you may be encountering.

Treat yourself

When somebody becomes immersed in an eating disorder, it can often take away a lot of things that used to make them unique. It is so strange…I have found that people with eating disorders—myself included—are so afraid of being perceived as ‘normal’ or ‘average’ when, in reality, the eating disorder takes away what made that person stand out(in a good way). Ed essentially makes someone a shell of what made them them.

My therapist made me aware of just how much I have catered to Ed instead of myself. Additionally, I became aware of how many times Ed has told me that I didn’t deserve something or someone or that I wasn’t “worth it” no matter what it involved. Before my eating disorder really took a hold of me, I loved anything purple and painting my nails crazy colors. Also, I would love shoes that, when I looked down at them, they would make me smile. I lost these aspects of me over the past year and a half and, for part of my homework for therapy, I slowly began to treat myself to the things I would use to treat myself to before Ed.

Granted, it wasn’t easy. Immediately, there was Ed “you shouldn’t be wasting money on things you don’t need” “you don’t deserve a new pair of shoes”. But I was determined. So guess what? I went out and bought some nail polish, a new pair of shoes and a crazy-awesome Starbucks coffee thermos. And you want to guess what else? It felt good! The fact that I treated myself to something felt so incredibly strange, and yet, I was so glad that I listened to the little-me voice inside instead of Ed’s bickering.

So next time you feel as though you may want to be frivolous and treat yourself to whatever it may be. Do it! Give yourself some power and attention instead of ed. It may very well be hard and feel so odd. You may even think you are being selfish, but the truth is, you do deserve nice things and you are worth a lot more than ed tells you that you are.