It has been 78 days since I have written on my blog. I have missed it and I have missed the support. I am disappointed that I have let a semester of school draw me away from consistent posts. I am in my final semester before graduating with my Bachelors, prepping for the GRE, and headlong in the application process for graduate school. Academically, I have been very busy. Recovery wise, I have made more success than I ever have. January 13th, 2014 would be the day that I fully committed to recovering from anorexia. It took a medical scare that I should have rushed to the ER for and noticing an incredible level of helplessness exhibited in my husband’s face for me to finally, and genuinely take that step.
Now, 70 days in full recovery, every day, meal and snack is a feat. The first three weeks—put lightly—were miserable, but I knew…I knew that I couldn’t keep living my life for my eating disorder. I never wanted to see my husband look so helpless again, not if I can help it. I knew, the one thing I could do to bring him some relief was to truly do what he has been wanting so badly for me to do for 2 years, recover. And on January 13th, that is just what I began to do.
I honestly never thought I could ever complete 100% of my meal plan for one day—let alone every day. 1) I didn’t think I (or anyone) could possibly ever need THAT much food. 2) I still was choosing my eating disorder over recovery (despite denying this all through my Intensive Outpatient therapy). 3) I couldn’t imagine eating over 300 calories unless I was able to purge it in secret. I hit rock bottom last December, I wasn’t me anymore. I was a walking eating disorder. My life revolved around pleasing it and finding new ways to hide it in order to maintain it. My will was not my own anymore—and anyone who has battled an aggressive eating disorder knows what I mean by that. January 13th, I no longer decided to choose my eating disorder over recovery when it came to food. It was—and is—NOT easy and it seemed that everything was (and is) working against my ability to keep deciding recovery every time. It reminds me of quote I read during a day in treatment:
“Commitment in the face of conflict produces character.”
Now, my treatment team is slightly in disbelief (for the good). As my condition and health worsened despite being in an IOP program most days of the week, they began to doubt my ability to recover without hospitalization and expressed that they didn’t know how to help me. I, essentially, was told that unless I started choosing recovery, steps immediate hospitalization would be taken. They were given one more shot for me to do what I told them I would do well over a year and a half ago: That I would the exception to the statistical improbability that an individual as low of a weight as I was could recover outside of an inpatient care facility.
There is so much I want to share with you guys about the past 70 days. The good, the bad, and everything in between. I figure if my blog posts bring any level of support or relief to one person, then I accomplishing what I hope to accomplish with my graduate degree in counseling: Help others struggling with eating disorders to overcome them and find a better quality of life.