Excuses and Change

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So this week has been a crazy whirlwind. On top of 2 papers being due, an ethic’s analysis and a Spanish midterm exam I have also taking the huge step in enrolling in an eating disorder intensive outpatient program (IOP). My husband came to my therapy session and we both expressed our thoughts, needs and options concerning my health and my treatment. Let me just say, that hour of therapy was probably one of the hardest hours yet. Amidst trying to decipher how the financing will be worked through, I have been working through an IOP checklist which includes calling my insurance company, scheduling an assessment with a psychiatrist, and obtaining another round of labs from my physician. Multiple phone calls, needle pokes, an ekg, and an almost-done checklist later, I’m feeling so completely overwhelmed. How do I feel about the development of enrolling in a more intensive level of care?

I am terrified, to say the least.

A part of me does not feel I deserve a higher level of care nor that I need it. Though, deep down, I know I need more help in order successfully get me out of this relapse. I am so scared of beginning this program…I am unsure of my strength and ability to handle the changes up ahead. I know this is going to be tough, but I have got some great friends and my husband by side ready to help me through this phase in my life. I’m still committed to what I wrote about in my first blog post (link below). Despite the odds, obstacles and perceived impossibility of this journey, I’m determined to remain resilient and as positive I can be throughout this process. One thing I know for sure—dwelling in negativity and nurturing doubt and uncertainty will only leave you stuck. So, though I may not be feeling the hope I wish to, I believe that you can still have hope without experiencing the sensation of it.

Also, some things I have learned from this week that might help some of you.

There were a handful of excuses I made regarding the ‘impossibility of commiting to an IOP program’ that ended up working out better than I anticipated. My main excuses were the following:

My professor whom I’m conducting research with will not allow me to maneuver my lab hours in order to allow me to go to the IOP.

In fact, when I met with her, she was completely understanding.—Let me add here that I was completely honest about my situation. I told her I was struggling with an eating disorder and that the level of care that I would be needing would slightly interfere with my current lab commitment. To my surprise, she expressed happiness and praise that I knew myself enough to know what I needed in order to build a better quality of life. Additionally, she wanted me to keep her updated as to whether there would be anything she could do in order to help me during my IOP. During my meeting with her, she contacted the other lab assistants and stated that a change to the lab hours would be occurring shortly. The conversation could not have gone more smoothly. I was so incredibly relieved.

The IOP is financially out of the question: Though a portion of this is true, my husband and I have been floored (in a good away) with the amount of support our family has offered us. I did not know how much the people closest to me genuinely were concerned about my condition and were glad that we were coming to them asking for help to get me better. The whole experience of talking to my family, in and of itself has been very therapeutic.

The insurance company will not cover a penny: Though they are not covering much, they have said they will cover a small portion. Better than I hoped to say the least.

So, if you think you might need a higher level of care, don’t let your excuses stop you from trying to make it happen. Keep fighting for yourself, even when you realize you might currently be losing. Though this week has been very rough and emotionally taxing, it has gone better than I initially anticipated and better yet? I have even felt the hope I still know I have to beat my  eating disorder.

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2 thoughts on “Excuses and Change

  1. Good job! I went through a similar mental process when I enrolled in an IOP. It has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but now, a year later, I can actually see that the end is in sight. I’m close. I thought it was impossible, but I just kept going and doing the work. One day, I realized that I felt good, and that the majority of my thoughts were healthy and not ED! I commend you for taking this step, more than I can express.

    • thank you so much for your response to my post. It absolutely made my day and was exactly the type of encouragement I needed to hear. Congratulations on your progress in just a year! That has got to feel so amazing.

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