When somebody becomes immersed in an eating disorder, it can often take away a lot of things that used to make them unique. It is so strange…I have found that people with eating disorders—myself included—are so afraid of being perceived as ‘normal’ or ‘average’ when, in reality, the eating disorder takes away what made that person stand out(in a good way). Ed essentially makes someone a shell of what made them them.
My therapist made me aware of just how much I have catered to Ed instead of myself. Additionally, I became aware of how many times Ed has told me that I didn’t deserve something or someone or that I wasn’t “worth it” no matter what it involved. Before my eating disorder really took a hold of me, I loved anything purple and painting my nails crazy colors. Also, I would love shoes that, when I looked down at them, they would make me smile. I lost these aspects of me over the past year and a half and, for part of my homework for therapy, I slowly began to treat myself to the things I would use to treat myself to before Ed.
Granted, it wasn’t easy. Immediately, there was Ed “you shouldn’t be wasting money on things you don’t need” “you don’t deserve a new pair of shoes”. But I was determined. So guess what? I went out and bought some nail polish, a new pair of shoes and a crazy-awesome Starbucks coffee thermos. And you want to guess what else? It felt good! The fact that I treated myself to something felt so incredibly strange, and yet, I was so glad that I listened to the little-me voice inside instead of Ed’s bickering.
So next time you feel as though you may want to be frivolous and treat yourself to whatever it may be. Do it! Give yourself some power and attention instead of ed. It may very well be hard and feel so odd. You may even think you are being selfish, but the truth is, you do deserve nice things and you are worth a lot more than ed tells you that you are.